craigslist is a resourceful website, helpful for various things such as finding a new apartment, buying a used couch on the cheap, or finding yourself a blowjob within the next 15 minutes. at one point or another i’m sure you scoured through its pages for a new roommate or on missed connections looking for anything that might match up with that dreamy moment you had with that barista at starbucks. with hundreds of ads updated daily by literally anyone with internet access, you are sure to find some outlandish, zany and sometimes desperate posts.
here we will feature the interesting, bizarre, and just down right wrong cap hill craigslist posts every week. let’s jump right in.
looking to join a metal band? here we find an ad seeking lead a vocal or keyboarder for an untitled group still forming on capitol hill. the ad reads:
“We are all about Goddesses, Gods, Aliens, Voodoo, Shamanism, Inter-dimensional beings, Evil Preachers, Bullfighters, Smoking trains, stories of the ancient and future ones. Mainly we like to tell stories and have lyrics that have meaning, and some are made just to enhance your smoking.”
wow. okay. this band is all about quite a bit of fucked up shit. i’d really like to hear some of their music to “enhance my smoking.” the band lists slipknot, linkin park, and P.O.D. as some of there biggest influences. sound like the dream band for you? call them to set up an audition and get your scream on.
want your art hanging up in the digs of a local cap hill biz? check out this post by zhivago’s cafe, a russian bakery on broadway that calls out for art to fill its blank walls:
“We have one large red wall and a smaller yellow toned wall to decorate. We are looking for art that will be uniform in presentation, all series work is most welcome. Warm colours and subject matter preferred (we’d prefer to not focus on anything too personal). Larger pieces will look stronger in presentation.”
and ladies here’s one for you! want to impress your man and bring home some excitement to use in the bedroom? well check out this cap hill exotic dance workshop! the class will teach you pole dancing, lap dancing and striptease for “home use.” it claims to boost your confidence and make you feel empowered, feminine, and confident.
“Pole dancing is just good ol’ fun! You will learn a sexy walk, sensual/sexy hip movements, and several beautiful sexy moves on the pole, including a dramatic spin! Lap dancing and striptease are great skills for every woman to have. This class is intended for woman who want these skills for “home use.” Striptease is all about teasing! There’s a drastic difference between just taking it off, and turning it into an erotic and artful dance. Enjoying yourself and expressing your own sensuality through movement is the goal, although your intimate partner will undoubtedly enjoy it too!”
during the class you are instructed to wear a pair of clothes you won’t be taking off. on top of this you wear your bra, panties, and a button up shirt that you will then be instructed on how to take of sexually in a “erotic, beautiful, artistic way – really, really close to your partner, who will get to see just how sexy you truly are.”
okay now lets move on to some golden missed connections. i am not going to lie, i do log on every once in awhile and type in a few keywords such as my name or my frequent locations to see what might pop up. never had much luck but maybe it will work out better for this guy. a love connection on pike and broadway?
“You, female early 20’s? with Orange/Reddish hair – Cig in hand – trashy ripped up stockings – so HOT. I wanted to rip those stockings off of you and fuck you silly. I live close.”
the poster describes himself as a tall hipster guy… sitting in a parked car. if you ask me that’s not very descriptive and could be half of the guys whom drive on the hill, and also a little creepy that he’s lurking hottie alt girls from a parked car. just sayin.
keeping with the car theme we have this following post titled hot guy in red saab:
“you were maneuvering quickly down denny and beeping at people who didn’t turn right on red. i smiled at you, and you looked back at me. let’s hook up on the hood of your car.”
apparently for this poster road rage is a turn on. for the boy in the red sabb- lets take it easy on the streets okay buddy? until then hit up your skanky pedestrian to rev up your nights. 
the obvious gloom brought on by benny’s passing last week has been intense, and can’t be ignored, for what feels like the entire capitol hill community.
cupcake
pumpkin
coleslaw
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ryebread
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